Comments on: When did the rule come about that your gift should= what the bride/groom are paying for you to attend?

By: Lydia

Lydia — Thu, 05 Aug 2004 20:35:28 +0000

It’s definitely NOT a rule, but seems to be a regional thing – mostly from answerers that seem to be in the north east US.
It’s not right at all. A couple hosts guests to their wedding to celebrate with them – and figures out what type of wedding and reception they are having according to their own budget.

The guests are not required to bring a gift, however most do. And the gift, along with the amount they spend, should be the choice of the couple.
For our wedding, it didn’t bother me one whit what people spent on gifts; we know each and every one was from the heart…

By: Terri

Terri — Thu, 05 Aug 2004 19:31:13 +0000

It is totally absurd and silly IMO.

You invite guests to partake in your ceremony and reception, NOT to help you pay for the food!

Their present to the bride and groom should be them being present/attending the wedding, not getting presents!

Gifts IMO are not required, not at a $5 per plate nor at a $100 per plate ceremony/reception.

By: kill_yr_television

kill_yr_television — Wed, 04 Aug 2004 05:59:13 +0000

Tsk, tsk. If there is one unchanging rule in Etiquette is that gifts are freely given. There are no “benchmarks by which to calculate a correct value — not closeness of the relationship, not wealth of giver or of recipient, not lavishness of entertainment, none. (Stop giggling, dammit, I am talking high ideals!)

I think the “rule” you are talking about is simply the general idea that one doesn’t want to appear to be abusing ones hosts’ hospitality, to be one of those people more interested in cadging “free” food and booze than in the happiness of the occasion.

And how did you come to know how much your hosts’ caterer changes anyhow? Mannerly people do not know such things, sir!

By: RedSoxRock!!!

RedSoxRock!!! — Sun, 01 Aug 2004 00:10:29 +0000

i think its more a suggestion then a rule! I have heard this many times before and fact have argued with my fiance about it! We have been to six weddings this year with 4 more to go before dec. while we are trying to pay for our own. He believes that you should try to cover at least the cost of your plate and i believe you give as much as you want depending on how close you are to that person! We gave my best friend in july 300.00 and her was only 50.00 a head but we gave my cousin 100.00 and her plates were 75.00 or something! I think that its not a bad idea just not for me!! Really its what you can afford! My wedding is 45.00 a head and i dont expect to break even on my wedding i would be surprised if i even came close!!

By: vle045

vle045 — Fri, 30 Jul 2004 10:48:30 +0000

It is not an “official” rule. I think it’s just a rule of thumb for those who might not have a single clue what to give. This way they can ease their conscience if they at least give what they think the food will cost. Of course no one expects you to call up the bride and grrom and ask how much they are paying per plate, and you really should give what you can afford, etc.

By: gileswench

gileswench — Tue, 27 Jul 2004 13:46:55 +0000

It didn’t EVER come about.

All etiquette gurus agree absolutely that this is a pernicious myth. For one thing, it requires making assumptions about how much was spent on entertaining you, which is the height of impertinance. For another, it punishes couples who haven’t the means to give lavish weddings and potential guests who haven’t got $300 to spend on one wedding gift.

Ask Miss Manners, Emily Post, or any other true etiquette maven and you’ll learn that a wedding gift is – and always has been – entirely optional. It is generous and traditional to give a gift, but it is entirely up to the guest to decide a) whether to give a gift and b) what form the gift should take.

Choose wedding gifts according to your affection for the couple and the state of your bank account, not according to rude assumptions about how much the couple has spent in entertaining you.

When we were married, we received everything from one, lonely place setting of sterling flatware to a set of plastic measuring spoons. The pricetags didn’t matter at all. What mattered was the love and care that went into picking these gifts. What mattered was that our friends supported our love and our decision to marry.

By: Bill J

Bill J — Sat, 24 Jul 2004 23:51:04 +0000

I have heard of this, but not from any source which I would deem reputable (Miss Manners, Emily Post, my mom, etc).

If I’m close enough to someone that I’m attending their wedding, I’ll buy them something good. If I don’t feel close enough to shell out, I’ll RSVP and ensure they don’t lose catering money on me.

Will my gift be tagged to the estimated per-plate cost? No. It’ll be tagged to what I can afford that I think they’d want. This isn’t rocket science.

If a couple is playing The Price is Right to determine whether inviting you was profitable, they’ve lost sight of the meaning of a gift…and of the occasion.

By: Sydney

Sydney — Thu, 22 Jul 2004 04:39:11 +0000

Yes, I think that is appropriate when trying to figure out how to give a couple, however, it really comes down how well you know them and how close to them you are.

By: rosetigra

rosetigra — Wed, 21 Jul 2004 02:43:15 +0000

I’ve never heard of that neither. What we do in Britain is:- the couple write a wedding list of presents that can be brought from specific shops i.e Selfridges with a price range from the less expensive to the more expensive which generally only close family members tend to buy. This way the happy couple dont get 6 kettles and 40 towels in various colours etc. Also people can spend as little or as much as they want knowing that the couple do actually want the present regardless of price as the list is passed around and the present ticked off the list. Of course , the very wealthy will do some completly different but I cant help you with that one!!! If I was you I would buy a card and put as much as you can afford (£10 – £50) & they will be greatful as they can put the money towrads something they want. Dont stress about it – have another glass of champagne and enjoy. Enjoy the day.

By: sylvia

sylvia — Sun, 18 Jul 2004 13:46:10 +0000

I would love to smack whoever started this little tidbit of “etiquette.”

Of course it’s not the case! Gift giving is as it’s always been – while customary, it’s not a requirement. And as always, gifts are given freely and from the heart.

I mean, seriously. If I wanted to go out for dinner and drinks, and make sure I had enough money to cover the cost, I would go to a restaurant.

At a wedding, you’re the GUEST of the bride and groom. Surely they wouldn’t charge you for a meal at their house? What if they had a party? They wouldn’t charge you then, right? (I hope not, anyway!). Any couple that expects their guests to cover the cost of their meal really needs to reconsider their wedding – it’s a celebration, NOT a fundraiser!