31 Comments

• Lydia says:

  August 6, 2004 at 02:05

  It’s definitely NOT a rule, but seems to be a regional thing – mostly from answerers that seem to be in the north east US.
  It’s not right at all. A couple hosts guests to their wedding to celebrate with them – and figures out what type of wedding and reception they are having according to their own budget.

  The guests are not required to bring a gift, however most do. And the gift, along with the amount they spend, should be the choice of the couple.
  For our wedding, it didn’t bother me one whit what people spent on gifts; we know each and every one was from the heart…
• Terri says:

  August 6, 2004 at 01:01

  It is totally absurd and silly IMO.

  You invite guests to partake in your ceremony and reception, NOT to help you pay for the food!

  Their present to the bride and groom should be them being present/attending the wedding, not getting presents!

  Gifts IMO are not required, not at a $5 per plate nor at a $100 per plate ceremony/reception.
• kill_yr_television says:

  August 4, 2004 at 11:29

  Tsk, tsk. If there is one unchanging rule in Etiquette is that gifts are freely given. There are no “benchmarks by which to calculate a correct value — not closeness of the relationship, not wealth of giver or of recipient, not lavishness of entertainment, none. (Stop giggling, dammit, I am talking high ideals!)

  I think the “rule” you are talking about is simply the general idea that one doesn’t want to appear to be abusing ones hosts’ hospitality, to be one of those people more interested in cadging “free” food and booze than in the happiness of the occasion.

  And how did you come to know how much your hosts’ caterer changes anyhow? Mannerly people do not know such things, sir!
• RedSoxRock!!! says:

  August 1, 2004 at 05:40

  i think its more a suggestion then a rule! I have heard this many times before and fact have argued with my fiance about it! We have been to six weddings this year with 4 more to go before dec. while we are trying to pay for our own. He believes that you should try to cover at least the cost of your plate and i believe you give as much as you want depending on how close you are to that person! We gave my best friend in july 300.00 and her was only 50.00 a head but we gave my cousin 100.00 and her plates were 75.00 or something! I think that its not a bad idea just not for me!! Really its what you can afford! My wedding is 45.00 a head and i dont expect to break even on my wedding i would be surprised if i even came close!!
• vle045 says:

  July 30, 2004 at 16:18

  It is not an “official” rule. I think it’s just a rule of thumb for those who might not have a single clue what to give. This way they can ease their conscience if they at least give what they think the food will cost. Of course no one expects you to call up the bride and grrom and ask how much they are paying per plate, and you really should give what you can afford, etc.
• gileswench says:

  July 27, 2004 at 19:16

  It didn’t EVER come about.

  All etiquette gurus agree absolutely that this is a pernicious myth. For one thing, it requires making assumptions about how much was spent on entertaining you, which is the height of impertinance. For another, it punishes couples who haven’t the means to give lavish weddings and potential guests who haven’t got $300 to spend on one wedding gift.

  Ask Miss Manners, Emily Post, or any other true etiquette maven and you’ll learn that a wedding gift is – and always has been – entirely optional. It is generous and traditional to give a gift, but it is entirely up to the guest to decide a) whether to give a gift and b) what form the gift should take.

  Choose wedding gifts according to your affection for the couple and the state of your bank account, not according to rude assumptions about how much the couple has spent in entertaining you.

  When we were married, we received everything from one, lonely place setting of sterling flatware to a set of plastic measuring spoons. The pricetags didn’t matter at all. What mattered was the love and care that went into picking these gifts. What mattered was that our friends supported our love and our decision to marry.
• Bill J says:

  July 25, 2004 at 05:21

  I have heard of this, but not from any source which I would deem reputable (Miss Manners, Emily Post, my mom, etc).

  If I’m close enough to someone that I’m attending their wedding, I’ll buy them something good. If I don’t feel close enough to shell out, I’ll RSVP and ensure they don’t lose catering money on me.

  Will my gift be tagged to the estimated per-plate cost? No. It’ll be tagged to what I can afford that I think they’d want. This isn’t rocket science.

  If a couple is playing The Price is Right to determine whether inviting you was profitable, they’ve lost sight of the meaning of a gift…and of the occasion.
• Sydney says:

  July 22, 2004 at 10:09

  Yes, I think that is appropriate when trying to figure out how to give a couple, however, it really comes down how well you know them and how close to them you are.
• rosetigra says:

  July 21, 2004 at 08:13

  I’ve never heard of that neither. What we do in Britain is:- the couple write a wedding list of presents that can be brought from specific shops i.e Selfridges with a price range from the less expensive to the more expensive which generally only close family members tend to buy. This way the happy couple dont get 6 kettles and 40 towels in various colours etc. Also people can spend as little or as much as they want knowing that the couple do actually want the present regardless of price as the list is passed around and the present ticked off the list. Of course , the very wealthy will do some completly different but I cant help you with that one!!! If I was you I would buy a card and put as much as you can afford (£10 – £50) & they will be greatful as they can put the money towrads something they want. Dont stress about it – have another glass of champagne and enjoy. Enjoy the day.
• sylvia says:

  July 18, 2004 at 19:16

  I would love to smack whoever started this little tidbit of “etiquette.”

  Of course it’s not the case! Gift giving is as it’s always been – while customary, it’s not a requirement. And as always, gifts are given freely and from the heart.

  I mean, seriously. If I wanted to go out for dinner and drinks, and make sure I had enough money to cover the cost, I would go to a restaurant.

  At a wedding, you’re the GUEST of the bride and groom. Surely they wouldn’t charge you for a meal at their house? What if they had a party? They wouldn’t charge you then, right? (I hope not, anyway!). Any couple that expects their guests to cover the cost of their meal really needs to reconsider their wedding – it’s a celebration, NOT a fundraiser!
• Collette L says:

  July 15, 2004 at 09:50

  I prefer to use the old fashioned gift giving rules.

  You go out and search for something really special to give the happy couple. Something that will remind them of you.

  I have to ask, how do you know how much a plate they are paying? Is it on the invitation now days?

  There are always going to be people who can’t afford to pay for extravigant gifts and they should not be expected to.

  No matter what the gift, it should be graciously accepted and a thank you sent. If they don’t appreciate it then get some better friends.
• lolalolacherrycola says:

  July 12, 2004 at 14:55

  Generally speaking, from my own experience it is customary to cover the cost of the meal in your wedding gift.
  As the couple is just starting out and the caterer is only one of dozens of expenses; this has always been the rule of thumb that my family has gone by.
• dansing247 says:

  July 11, 2004 at 16:02

  well yeah, but its not ALWAYS true.. i think you should though because it IS their wedding and thats pretty special.
• Peace says:

  July 11, 2004 at 02:51

  Yeah, I’ve never heard of that until Yahoo! Answers. I think it’s ridiculous. I don’t want my guests knowing how much I spent on my wedding and I don’t expect them to “compensate” us. There shouldn’t be entrance fees to weddings.
• fizzystuff says:

  July 8, 2004 at 07:07

  This is not a rule. Look at any respectable etiquette book and you wont find it. I think its absurd, too. Host a party because you want to. Give a gift because you want to. Its not about the dollar amount.
• Wine Is Fine 1717 says:

  July 6, 2004 at 04:47

  I have a friend from eastern Europe, her parents were raised there. She said, growing up this was what she was taught. Therefore, this is not only an American concept. Not sure exactly where is originated from. But, I think it’s makes sense.

  I would feel bad about going to a wedding with a $20 gift, if I knew the bride and groom paid $100 for my plate.

  I just believe in fairest, that’s all. Anytime someone does something nice for you; you should reciprocate equally.

  When I was a kid, I remember sleeping over my friend’s house one week. The next week, they would sleep at mine. It’s only fair to return a nice gesture.

  If someone I didn’t expect gave me a birthday gift, I would give them one on their’s. It’s the proper think to do.

  If I go to someones house for dinner, I bring a bottle of wine or dessert.

  Same thing. If you go to a wedding, you bring a comparable gift.

  Seems logical to me. I would be embarrassed if I didn’t bring a gift. Yes, the bride and groom want you there. But, they could have easily cut you off their guest list for “more important people in their lives” But, they didn’t. Weddings are expensive and they are sacrificing their time, energy and money to accommodate you.

  Bringing a equal gift to energy, time and money spent on you is only proper.
• melouofs says:

  July 4, 2004 at 16:07

  I don’t go by that at all…so someone who wants an intimate wedding only gets $25, while the person who wants to go over hte top gets 10x that much? That doesn’t seem fair…why should I have to pay for their accomodations? I had no say in what they chose, I don’t feel any responsibility to “cover” it.

  I give a wedding gift based on my relationship with the couple. $100 as a couple minimum.
• py says:

  July 2, 2004 at 22:52

  tell ya the truth its a load of rubbish just get what you want if you don’t wanna get anything then don’t
• kikio says:

  June 30, 2004 at 06:34

  I have heard that rule since I was young (and that goes back 30 years). Today however, that rule is a bit outdated since plates at a wedding can go to upwards of $200 per person, which would mean a $400 gift if you are going as a couple. I think the rule should be to give what you feel is appropriate and more importantly, what you can afford. Always remember that family usually gives double what the “rule” is, so the bride and groom make up for it anyway.
• jeannielunchbox says:

  June 29, 2004 at 02:21

  I think it is crazy.

  I am planning a wedding right now. In no way am I banking on getting *** dollars to help cover the cost of my guests food. I am expecting to take a loss, but it will be a great celebration with everyone I love. Our wedding is paid for by us saving up for 2 years, and anything we do get is like an extra bonus.

  My best friend is flying out to be in my wedding, she’s pregnant and not rich. I doubt she will be able to afford a “proper” wedding gift. I would prefer it if she didn’t get me one at all and saved the money for her baby.

  It seems that no one that goes by this rule is answering, check out my previous question and see what people really think…
• Joan79 says:

  June 28, 2004 at 21:51

  No, just give them for whatever amount you find appropriate.
• lonewolf says:

  June 26, 2004 at 13:30

  Red, Sounds like a way to draw in more money,Don”t buy into it !
• Sweet Pandemonium says:

  June 24, 2004 at 01:09

  I wasn’t aware of this rule. I can tell you though that I don’t agree with it. I will be happy with anything that my guests get me, especially if it is 1.Something I can use 2.Something I need or 3.Something that reminds me of my happy wedding day. It doesn’t matter if it costs 10 cents to me!
  That ‘rule’ is ridiculous
• Ema-Leigh says:

  June 23, 2004 at 04:00

  That’s ridiculous! At my cousins wedding, we didnt oay for anything.
• Isabel R says:

  June 22, 2004 at 01:20

  There is no such rule.

  And nobody can force you to give a gift!
• Roar says:

  June 21, 2004 at 15:10

  My mom just gave $200. to my cousin at her wedding. I think it’s like better to give money than buy them a toaster. If you don’t wanna pay or give money as a gift, then don’t go to a wedding. It’s not always the thought that counts.
• corinne1029 says:

  June 19, 2004 at 10:13

  No, absolutely not. There are no set “rules” for how much your gift should cost or how much cash you should give. If you’re attending a wedding and would like to give a gift, you decide how much you want to give the couple based on what works in your budget. You should never feel obligated to give a certain amount or even a gift at all.

  Besides, there’s one main flaw in this “rule,” how on earth could you expect to know how much the couple spent per person??
• Racist Answer Man says:

  June 19, 2004 at 02:13

  The guideline emerged as more and more couples paid for their own weddings.
• notnaked says:

  June 15, 2004 at 14:22

  Never heard of it and would ignore it if I had heard it! Nobody sets rules for me, but ME!!!
• Its friday says:

  June 12, 2004 at 08:38

  at least give $100. if your going by yourself.
  But if its you and a date..125 is fine.

  its rude if you dont
• ☼ Doodle ☼ says:

  June 10, 2004 at 00:10

  ive never heard of that….every wedding ive been to i gave like $50 in a card. (they all probably thought iwas cheap)

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